HUMANIZE ME

Just a few more minutes …but

Why the hell is this sun shining so bright today

I wanted the dark clouds

To give an impeccable ambience of

What I’m about to do

* 

A few hours back

I was forced to bathe

Even though I procrastinated

For one goddam long week

The spread of delicious food

Swayed me like it was my last supper

Why I ate so little

Yearning was for something more …something red

Like wanting to listen

The thudding of heartbeats

Like a vampire craves at dusk

The dress turned out to be quite heavy

With the kind of built I have

But then I wanted to suffocate myself

An ignominious bastard

When prayer session started

I prayed for that woman

Finally forgave her

Her experience of affliction

How strangulated she must have felt

On the day I was born

* 

  

I open my grip now

Look at the pink capsule

My master gave me before I was leaving

This is for me …an aid

As I’m about to embark on a new journey

This is to help ending all my sufferings

I might crush it …I don’t really want it

Slowly I keep it inside

The inner pocket of my jacket

*

I’m finally entering the main market

I can see hundreds of people shopping

The festivities are on full swing

I see happy people from distance

Children screaming and shouting in excitement

Men and women …eating …chitchatting …greeting each other …laughing …happy people everywhere 

I take ten more steps towards the hullabaloo

Do I like what I see?

Do I like this sensation of happiness in detecting?

Do I want the world to be like this?

Did I truly think the realm would be like this?

How can it be so colorful?

The wind starts blowing

Is it a sign for me?

I try to zip up my jacket

My finger gets wedged in between

A kid is crossing me with her mother

Is smiling at me

The red chubby cheeks …little innocent face

Everything about her pleases me

*
(...and I light the cigarette ...take four drags and write again.)

*

I now see fire and black smoke everywhere

I hear screaming and shouting

Men… women… kids… all traumatized

I see a hand a few steps in front of me

I’m alarmed …what the heck just happened?

I look for that little girl

Thank God I see her

Her mother …now hugging her so tight

Why is this girl looking at my feet?

I now realize…

She is not looking at my feet

But the debris sitting next to me

Full of blood…

Intestines and body parts everywhere

The next second I’m horrified

*

I was supposed to pull the trigger

In the next five minutes

Damn… my fucking finger

Instead of pulling the zip up …of my jacket

I pulled the switch ‘on’ of the bomb

Tied under my waist…