Saturday, April 20, 2013

THE MAN I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE


The idea of writing this post has been in my insomniac mind for a long time now. It took me lot of braveries to write this one. The simple thought of it used to give me headaches …but now …I am here …without any regret, I thank my black coffee and cigarettes…






*
Twenty-five years ago
You came into my life
Made my life lively, vibrant, and colorful

Did we deserve…?
Of tying this knot of togetherness
You got the answer …only after three years

He was going to turn three
And she was about to come into our lives
It was supposed to be
…a life complete with contentment

But then I had to go…
I disappeared without a trace of my footsteps
…to lead you to me

Was it a mistake …I still don’t know
A wanderer in me …regretful of God’s blunder
But then who is to be blamed
For the man I was supposed to be

The man
…to fulfill your needs
…to satisfy your desires
But then who is to be blamed …it is Him?
For the man I was supposed to be




*

You have never seen me in person
Yet love me so much
Crave for my love …so indissoluble

Don’t blame yourself for all of this
The protection for you is abundant
These twist and turn in your life …very soon
Will make you content, satisfied, and buoyant

I love you so much
It twinges so gravely when I see you like this
You are one person
I regret I could never meet

You are the most beautiful
Precious part of me
It kills me to see how you feel about me now
I wish you could see me

But then who is to be blamed
For the father I was supposed to be
For you my loving daughter

Oh darling don’t be insecure
The love you get
Will never be less
Always be more




*

I’m so happy to see you
A handsome young man you have turned into
The empty space in your life
You filled it with these responsibilities
Which I disfavor …were enforced on you to obey

The pillar for her that I could never become
The fatherly duties that I could never implement
I see only you doing …my golden son
Without any repentance

I still wish to be there in your growing days
Introduce you to the things
Which came to you as revelation
The wrong things that could have been clogged

The experiences only to be shared
Between you and me
Came rancorous upon you
The hollowness in you …I can sense
Is all because of me

I hope you will forgive me
Never mourning these afflictions

Take care of your sister
Always love your mother

I will be there
Watching over you from afar

Yet to close …blessing you from above
Guiding you in all your endeavors
I consecrate you to be the man
For the man I was supposed to be ...could never become





* * * * *
Here I am
Watching all three of you
How I miss to be a segment of your lives
To be part of all escapades
*
Yet we will meet again
One fine day …which still is so far
Go now …find your own light
Before we meet again
Smiling and shining in delight
* * * * * 



Friday, April 19, 2013

HUMANIZE ME








Just a few more minutes …but
Why the hell is this sun shining so bright today
I wanted the dark clouds
To give an impeccable ambience of
What I’m about to do


A few hours back
I was forced to bathe
Even though I procrastinated
For one goddam long week

The spread of delicious food
Swayed me like it was my last supper
Why I ate so little
Yearning was for something more …something red
Like wanting to listen
The thudding of heartbeats
Like a vampire craves at dusk

The dress turned out to be quite heavy
With the kind of built I have
But then I wanted to suffocate myself
An ignominious bastard

When prayer session started
I prayed for that woman
Finally forgave her
Her experience of affliction
How strangulated she must have felt
On the day I was born









  
I open my grip now
Look at the pink capsule
My master gave me before I was leaving
This is for me …an aid
As I’m about to embark on a new journey
This is to help ending all my sufferings
I might crush it …I don’t really want it
Slowly I keep it inside
The inner pocket of my jacket

*

I’m finally entering the main market
I can see hundreds of people shopping
The festivities are on full swing
I see happy people from distance
Children screaming and shouting in excitement
Men and women …eating …chitchatting …greeting each other …laughing …happy people everywhere 

I take ten more steps towards the hullabaloo

Do I like what I see?
Do I like this sensation of happiness in detecting?
Do I want the world to be like this?
Did I truly think the realm would be like this?
How can it be so colorful?

The wind starts blowing
Is it a sign for me?
I try to zip up my jacket
My finger gets wedged in between

A kid is crossing me with her mother
Is smiling at me
The red chubby cheeks …little innocent face
Everything about her pleases me


*
(...and I light the cigarette ...take four drags and write again.)
*


I now see fire and black smoke everywhere
I hear screaming and shouting
Men… women… kids… all traumatized
I see a hand a few steps in front of me
I’m alarmed …what the heck just happened?

I look for that little girl
Thank God I see her
Her mother …now hugging her so tight
Why is this girl looking at my feet?

I now realize…
She is not looking at my feet
But the debris sitting next to me
Full of blood…
Intestines and body parts everywhere

The next second I’m horrified

*

I was supposed to pull the trigger
In the next five minutes
Damn… my fucking finger
Instead of pulling the zip up …of my jacket
I pulled the switch ‘on’ of the bomb
Tied under my waist…